The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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