You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
