Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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