She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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