I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
