So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I puked a lego.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
