Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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