There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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