dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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