I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
