Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
