Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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