y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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