I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
