as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
