When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
