A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
