: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
