You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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