I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
