so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
