you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
