there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
