hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
