I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
