I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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