Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
