my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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