Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
