Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
even my farts smell like vagina
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
