If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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