Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Randomize
