his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
