That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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