We're facebook friends in real life
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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