I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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