There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
