i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
No subtext here. People are naked.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
