When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
