Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
