Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
