chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
