he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
