i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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