I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
