matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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