does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
