what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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