It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
