She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
