I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
